Monday morning — internet down! And it was down for two days — so, freak out in the business realm. The aspens were unbothered. Some wondered if they ought to meditate. In some cases, they drove off the land to find a connection. I walked around the land and took photos — a delightful activity which actually falls within my broad job description. We need photos to do the marketing. Meanwhile, it was a nice experience of connecting — with the land, with SMC, no internet needed. Especially potent since I am on the way out. Application to Naropa submitted last Friday. This weekend, we’ll head down to Boulder to meet the people we’re planning on living with when we leave, and check out the space. Just now, 49 day ceremony for Acharya Lyon — chant the Shin Kham, burn the photograph. 49 days in the bardo and then rebirth — according to tradition. I had the sense, along with others, that Allyn flew through into a good rebirth with swiftness. She was There. High realization.

I …

As the door was closing, after I had bowed, on my way out, a man scratching his head in front of the shrine. UP the steps, as I was turning the corner, a peer who I secretly criticise for chanting too fast, for doing everything too fast, for trying to go too fast. I’d like to stay a few steps ahead, sometimes. Sometimes, I’d just like to harmonize. Behind me and to the left, girl, whose body sways while she meditates. Yesterday, community meeting using “Open Space Technology” — which I am a fan of. A few folks pop up and suggest topics, and the rest break into groups around these topics — whichever is most interesting to each person. Then we discuss. Some guidelines: Whoever comes are the right people. Whatever happens is the only thing that could have happened. Dammit, can’t think of the rest. And, the law of two feet: if you aren’t learning or contributing anything, you can get up and join another group. I joined a group about “Vision.” We …

Bowie, Bhanu, Bob — unaffiliated, in general, maybe, in a way. Approaching boundaries with antennae vibrating — when and how to go through?  Or, when is it respect and when is it enabling prejudice? Put on a show.  Take off one costume and put on another — all on film.  Witness the performativity of self, gender, and the mechanics of fame. Shambhala Mountain Center is famous, branded, and not what it seems — and, only ever what it seems — damn Buddhist. Part of my job is to make SMC famous. How to be real and skillful?  Naked and dignified?  What to reveal?  What is revealing, what is presentation, what is hiding, what is not buying into, what is… I’ll now pour some steaming hot water from my insulated Klean Kanteen into my clay teapot, which is only branded on the bottom — a Chinese character that I cannot read. Good luck, bedroom rock star, with your ethos of “not selling out,” “not playing the game.” I’ve now poured the tea into porcelain cup, entirely …

Imprisoned and wild, but knowledge: it’s not what it seems.  Same old restlessness, now with a glow of knowing around it.  It’s not what it seems.  And so, back and forth between bucking and break-dancing.  It’s the samsara-nirvana show.  The old circus of co-emergence. I’m on fire with opinions about SMC and some of the people here: sometimes. I’m a warm breeze of love without prejudice: sometimes. So what? I’m not feeling what I’m writing.  This has been so much cerebral blow-out.  Shall I write about the environment to ground in reality?  It is crisp outside.  Brilliantly clear and stiff with wind.  It’s a sustained high note on a flute.  A plane is streaking across the sky drawing a razor sharp line — which is a soft cloud up close.  A vajra scene within buddha pixelated pillow-verse. Heather’s on the bed, also writing.  We just met eyes and made funny faces.  Now she’s getting dressed.  She is beautiful. I had a cleansing bath last night.  I mean: hot, purifying, detoxifying.  I was on the verge …

Several strong brews in my small clay pot this morning.  Wind blowing strong outside.  Gonna brew another pot now, keep it rolling.  Two week retreat — good ride.  Shastri Solyntjes led with great experience and artistry — opened possibilities, and indeed, I experienced great resonance in the vision of the Sakyong.  And said: “I see.  Okay, I can go further.”  Which is what I needed most out of this retreat, as I’m preparing to leap into, surrender into, guru-disciple relationship with Sakyong Mipham this summer. The main thing: What I experienced, in greater depth, in relation to the Sakyong, over the course of this retreat, is that what he is presenting and guiding me into is more — not less — familiar, simple, ordinary.  It’s not something “else.”  I knew that.  And now I know it more.  I feel reassured.  Ready to proceed.  That was the gem gift of this retreat. Yesterday — first day off.  Mellow.  Lots of time with Heather — planning summer adventures and our move to Boulder.  Lovely tea-for-two party in …